Amy - My OCD

Hey, I’m Amy, I’m 21 now but OCD has felt like it has been controlling me since I was 11.

When I lived at home with my parents I used to pretend that I was too lazy to turn off my bedroom light and ask either of them to do it for me. I did this because the process of switching off the light, walking 4 steps to my bed and sitting down was the most stressful and exhausting point of my day.

Whilst flicking off the bedroom light I would have to tell myself how much I loved my mum and dad, all the time trying to keep the evil thoughts and images of me killing them out of my head. If they crept in, then I'd have to flip the switch back on and start again.

Once this had been completed properly, I'd then begin the walk to my bed. I'd have to start on my right foot (as the right is good and symbolises that my family are safe) and if I was to forget and accidentally start on my left, then it would cancel out the thought of me loving them, meaning heartbreak was inevitable and my thoughts about murdering them would come true. In order to stop this, I'd have to go back to the light and start the process again.

If both the light and walk had been completed without the intrusive thoughts then it was time to sit down on my bed. As my bum would touch the mattress I'd tell myself how much my parents meant to me and that killing them is not something I'd ever want to do.

However, if I tell you to not think about a white rabbit. What do you think about? What's the first thing that comes into you head?

A task that should take no thought at all and less than 30 seconds to complete, for me, turned into an ordeal that could sometimes last for hours.Amy

A white rabbit.

And so back to the beginning we'd go.

A task that should take no thought at all and less than 30 seconds to complete, for me, turned into an ordeal that could sometimes last for hours.

When I pick up a cup of tea, when I sit down, when I flick off a light switch, when I shut a door. When I'm talking to you face to face, when I'm texting you, when I’m posting on social media. Thoughts are forever present and I've learnt to avoid most of them by coming up with mental compulsions to avoid looking like an idiot in public.

However, that's not recovery it just continues the cycle and this is the message I wanted to help other OCDUK Young Ambassadors understand, we must always be mindful of OCD’s sneakiness to creep compulsions in.

I'm not in recovery yet, that's still something I'm striving for… and attend to achieve!

Thanks for reading

Ames x

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