Recovery for me means freedom. Freedom and the ability to do what I want, when I want, without being subjected to a flood of intrusive thoughts. I would be able to take breaks without feeling guilty, do nothing without feeling worthless, and do what I love without feeling as though I am wasting my time. I would be able to let my hair down without being scared that it would get dirty, let myself be spontaneous without feeling dread, and not let my thoughts of contamination stop me from doing anything.
I would spend my time doing what I enjoy, instead of slaving away to achieve something that I have made myself believe that I want. I would have extra time and not feel as though I am a failure if something does not go like I planned. I would be able to leave my past behind me and live each day as it comes without being afraid of what may happen. I would make decisions based on what I want instead of considering the pros and cons of any result which may occur.
There are so many things which would mean recovery for me, but which I struggle to imagine happening as I have been stuck in this vicious cycle for so long, and I do not know any other way. There is so much to do in the world and not enough time to let OCD control your life. Recovery is tough because you are changing the way you have always thought, but if recovery means freedom, then I definitely will not be giving up. I just want to be free and be able to live my life without the constant presence of the OCD demons.
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