Fight the bully


look inside an OCD mind, there’s lots that you could find,

there are a thousand thoughts that are always there,

it’s the thoughts that create the scare,

do that again one, two three,

something could happen to someone, that’s what we believe,

It’s like a never-ending movie of possible outcomes,

trying to figure our minds out is as tricky as sums,

‘you’re bad for thinking what you do’,

that’s the OCD bully getting to you,

‘I’m tired could you stop’, we say to our head,

because our minds have been racing from when we woke up in bed,

we try to deal with our anxiety

by doing a compulsion mentally or physically,

often very privately so no one will see

I don’t know why my mind does this,

to heal some trauma, events or is it just me.

These questions I often ask myself, but no answers seem to fit yet. I always say I wish that I could see myself through someone else’s eyes, what would they see when they look at me?  Would they see me doing things simultaneously because I don’t know I’m doing compulsions, because I do them so automatically? The kind words that my family, therapist and friends say to me, I try to believe to help me. But every time I seem to get so far, this OCD bully bounces on me. He makes me totally disregard all the nice things that I have heard, maybe it does it to make me scared.

The OCD is just a small part of me, so I don’t know why it’s him who I believe. The other amazing things about me, my talents, personality and abilities - they should be my proof that I’m worthy and good enough.

That bully stamps them out, as if it hasn’t already taken enough. But if we all came together as one, those recovered from OCD show us it can be done. If we fight the bully piece by piece, give him no attention and make it feel unworthy and small, it might just realize how little it means to me. I don’t need it or like it, it’s simply just there. Without an invite it benched itself somewhere, in my own head, a place just for me. ‘No’ I say to it, get out of me. Never come back because you’re not welcome, stop picking victims, we don’t need you.

You don’t help us now, and you never have, so disappear. You must live off creating fear. I wouldn’t keep a friend that kept dragging me down, making me feel anxious and unworthy all the time. The difference with you is you're harder to see, you’re hidden somewhere deep in my brain that no one can see. But unluckily for you, you’re soon be a memory of my past, I’m starving you of my energy, you’ll give up fast. It won’t be me who will ever give up, because this is my head, my life and it will never be yours.

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