What I wished my loved ones knew
OCD is always hard, that’s what makes it a disorder. If I’m being honest, I don’t remember the last time I had a ‘good’ day, just a slightly less bad day. And yes, even when I’m watching my favourite TV programme (Call the Midwife 😊), I still struggle with my OCD. Even when I’m singing at the top of my lungs (out of tune as always) or rolling about on the ground with my dog, I still struggle with OCD.
You might not be able to see it, but it’s always there. Plaguing obsessions about what I’m doing, constant doubt, ruminations, compulsions, both mental and physical. I’m not ashamed of my disorder, but likewise it’s not a badge I wear. I don’t feel special having OCD, it’s an illness, so please don’t tell me I’m ‘acting up’ for attention.
When my compulsions are worse and you can see them, I wish the ground would swallow me up; it’s definitely not for fun. Like you, I wish my OCD didn’t ruin fun days out to the beach, or the train ride into London. I try to hide the anxiety as much as possible so you can’t see, but sometimes it creeps in so far, I can’t conceal it.
Please, keep being there for me, keep asking me if I want to go out, invite me to do things, talk to me. I might say no, but to know someone cares is just huge. Thank you for standing by my side when I struggle, but also for letting me independently challenge things. I do want to recover, but it’s not linear. I’m learning to live with OCD so I can use my experiences for good rather than for self-destruction but progress takes time.
Thank you for loving me nonetheless. And if you’ve found this page, it means you came onto the OCDUK website, off your own accord. You wanted to understand better, you wanted to help, whether it be me or another young person, so thank you. Thank you for caring.
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